Stage Two - Canada

Greetings Subjects,

I arrived in Canada (eh) and thought the key to overcoming this strange barren landscape would be to immediately get the local law enforcement onside. I began the mission to find a member of this elite group, and was delighted to discover one in the local watering hole. Needless to say, I set out to seduce him. Later, upon relfection of my photographic evidence of this momentous victory, I was dismayed to learn that not only are moose not really the local law authorities, as I had been lead to believe by Canadian animation, but that this particular was inanimate. My first attempt at domination in Canada was foiled.

Yet I was resolved to continue my attempt, and began with a journey into the Rockies to get a better vantage point with which to survey the lay of the land. Sunshine Village is a great skiing mountain, with something like 107 runs, not including the ones we went on that included climbing under a rope that said "Danger, cliff" (thanks Dave). Whilst trying to navigate waist deep powder, trees, rocks and cliff faces, I once again was forced to consider how my people will remember me once I have passed over. When we emerged from the Death Forrest intact (this is what I have renamed it. It probably has a perfectly lovely existing name, like the Flower Meadow or something, but this is my world domination attempt and I can name it whatever the f*ck I want considering it did try to kill me), I had a newfound sense of respect for my life. I vowed to value my health more and look after myself better. So I went back to Natalie and Dave's house and drank red wine, followed by Bacardi.

I also discovered a new talent which I will use to overcome and 'wow' potential opposition. Turns out I am AWESOME at Wii Fit! For those of you born before 1998, it's this sweet interactive game where you stand on a board that registers your balance, weight, centre of gravity and cool factor and play awesome games like hula hoop, soccer heading, ski slalom etc. First go I set high scores on all of these things. If nothing else, I have left my legacy in Banff in the form of high scores in Wii Fit. It was a journey well utilised.

The following day, seeing me still alive and well after the snowboarding assassination attempt, Natalie (Dave's ladywife and one of my oldest bestest allies) took me on a walk up to Johnston's Canyon, claiming we would get ice cleats when we got out there. The ice cleat hiring shop was closed, so Natalie, Nicola and I decided to brave the journey anyway. What started out as a pleasant walk along a path with a handrail, and even wire along the ground for grip, soon became a slippery ice walk of death, fiercely clinging to trees and rocks and praying not to fall off the side into the icy ravine. Passers by with tramping boots and ice cleats looked at my feet, clad only in Chucks, with horror; an expression that quickly turned to one of disgust, then pity, then hope, then vacant wonderment as they considered what they would wear when interviewed by the news as the last person who saw us alive. If it wasn't terrifying it would have been amusing.

Under the watchful protection of squirrels, and I assume God since only he knows how we made it up, we got to the waterfall, took a few "check it out, a waterfall AND we're alive!" photos, and began the slippery decent down. After making it out with only one massive bruise from my knee to my shin (which didn't come out properly until five days later - looks pretty sweet now though) we journeyed to Lake Louise to take in a slightly less strenuous pastime - looking at ice sculptures. After the stress of the snowboarding and Canyon assassination attempts, I believed that the giant T-Rex sculpture was going to come to life and eat me, but luckily these fears were unfounded. However, I did decide on the sleepy car ride home that Johnston's Canyon and all of its dangers also needed to be renamed - hence, Death Forrest is now just a short drive and a gondola ride from Death Canyon.

I should mention something here about the friendly Banff natives. Aside from Dave and my beloved Natalie, who along with their flatmate Greg gave me the world's comfiest couch, fed me proper food like what a parent would cook, and encouraged my budding Wii Fit career, I also got to spend time with Kurt and Tess, who are just as gorgeous and fun as always, and got to meet a bunch of new people, like Nicola, Kath, their menfolk, and a bunch of their extended group of friends. I even got to research Greece with some beautiful food, belly dancing and plate smashing (followed by Karaoke - researching Japan too) for Kath's birthday. Everyone really is lovely in Banff (apart from the saleswoman who saw me looking at some Banff shorts and came over, virtually pulled them from my hands, looked at my hips and went "these won't fit you." She has got a great job lined up for herself cleaning the royal shark once the domination plan is complete). It must be the beautiful scenery and fun/ death-defying pastimes that keep them upbeat.

When sadly leaving the country (note here for followers of my journey - Calgary airport is ruthlessly efficient. Big ups) one final attempt was made upon my safety when a security official decided my baby pink carry on luggage with flowery luggage tags looked suspicious, even after it went through the x-ray machine. The guy made me unpack my carry on, which I silently told him with my fuming gaze was a carefully constructed tetris-like formation to close the damn thing, so thanks for rummaging through it, and when found nothing, took out his frustration by telling me he thought my plane was going to be five hours late so have a fun wait. Turned out he was wrong, but still, what is it with me and airport security? Am I so unsuspicious looking that it makes me suspicious by default? This stuff seriously happens to me all the time, like the Brisbane debacle. I ponder why, and plan nasty punishments for these people for when I am their ruler.

So despite his best efforts, my Canadian domination is complete! I didn't get to see too many animals, but made up for that by taking a picture of myself in front of every "Beware of the Cougars" sign I could find (hahahaha, it's still funny). Next stop is London. Someone tell Gordon Brown to get the gin ready so we can sort out this business with the economy once and for all.

Until next time, keep working on that "All hail Stephanie" song I gave you - you'll need it soon.

Take care,

Me xx

Attempt Stage One - the States

Greetings Team,

Stage one of the Stephanie Taylor World Domination Attempt began with the US of A. Upon pondering the many cliches associated with the States, I realised all were true.

For example - the land of the free. It's true, many of the people on the streets should be locked up. Case in point, creepy old dude who chased me down Sunset Boulevard. I had a split second to decide if I should run into the Church of Scientology on a Sunday, or Subway. The rest of this story is fairly redundant.

The land of oppurtunity - Fendi glasses for US$75? Heck yes.

And so on.

The mission began with LA, and therefore LAX. With puffy eyes from the trauma of leaving ground control in New Zealand, I got into the chosen carrier to take me to my, erm, hotel. Cough. Driver was a little crazy, going around LAX twice before getting onto the freeway, but I made it to the "smoke free" (read: smoke filled), "central" (read: ghetto), "all amenities" (read: room service, bar, restaurant, bell boy, phone, and spa no longer in service) hotel. At this point, a massive shout out to Tisha and Kim, who came to collect me to meet up, when they realised I was in an unsavoury part of town that really required not walking outside more than a couple of metres.

I posed as a tourist, looking at things of course I myself wouldn't be interested in, including the public toilet where George Michael got arrested, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, and even Elvis' houses (for complete list see * below, but to quickly entice you, Snoop Dogg and Sean Connery are neighbours - it truly is a wonderful melting pot this country), and the Kodak Theatre where the Oscars are held. I have to mention here that this included my favourite part of LA, where the character actors decided it was time for a break and Batman started rocking out with Gene Simmons, discussing I can only imagine what - struggling to kiss girls and not touch their gag reflex, Robin constantly leaving the Batmobile out of petrol, and so on (photo caption: Batman: "So Gene, wanna come over to the Cave tonight and watch Girls Gone Wild?" Gene: "Sure, but don't invite Charlie Chaplin this time. He's boring." Charlie: "I heard that." Batman: "Bro, shut it. You're meant to be mute.").

On this part of the mission I met my new friend Richard, the helpful and friendly tour guide. Richard, my new LA BFF, also took me under his wing with regards to my thwarted attempts to gain an adaptor that would enable me to use all of my NZ plugged appliances in this alien electronic landscape. I had previously attempted this solo, and was told I would need to buy five plugs totalling US$200. With Richard at my side, I was sold one plug for ten bucker. Chur Richard.

I also encountered obstacles in terms of sustainance. Gluten free food is non-existent in the LA ghetto where I was staying, and all other food was coated in fat - twice. One "hilarious" breakfast in the "hotel" saw me eating pancake-consistency perfectly spherical eggs. I didn't attempt the sausage which I had described at one point as deep fried, crumbed, deep fried, dropped, deep fried, battered, deep fried, licked by rabid antelope, and deep fried again. With light shed upon the food situation, I'm hoping you will all understand when I tell you that I spent more than one night eating popcorn for dinner.

I was also forced to overcome the weather. Apparently LA gets 30 days of rain a year. I used up three of those while I was there, during which time I got well acquainted with my good friend Sir Richard Branson (via his autobiography, Losing my Viriginity. Stephanie's Book Club Reccommended Read).

Other LA highlights included shopping at the Grove, visiting the Hollywood sign, going to Universal Studios to indulge my childish love of theme parks with a sweet line-jumping pass (thanks Zenon!), seeing Justin Timberlake's house and fondly remembering his tearful phone call to his mum when all his stuff got repo'ed on Punked (later claiming he was stoned - cry me a river JT), finally meeting the ridiculously beautiful and lovely Kim Weiss, convincing (I hope) the AMAZING Tisha Gonda to come to NZ on a holiday (and having a wonderful dinner with her downtown - thanks so much Tisha!), and being told by the blind man wanting my quarters that I was beautiful.

Stage two in this operation was a trip to New York, my new favourite place. I was actually scared to email people and tell them how much I loved it lest the police track me down in a preemptive strike against possible overstayers. However, my love affair with New York did not get off to a good start...

I was picked up by the most hostile driver ever, and while his toughness was great in its Brooklyn authenicity to start with, he began to frighten me. Especially when he tried to put an extra person in a van where guests were already sharing seatbelts. His driving alarmed me and other users of the road. In short, the domination attempt was almost over before it began, and I haven't even got myself into a position where someone might build a statue of me in either a position weilding a pimpin' backhand, or crouching with orphans in a meadow (I'm yet to decide on my leader persona).

I then got to the hovel in which I was staying, and was told due to a booking mistake I would be moving somewhere else, temporarily filling me with hope. I immediately walked outside, slipped on some ice, broke the handle on my suitcase and covered my right leg in bruises. Being winter, I couldn't even rock shorts to show everyone how tough I am and make up a story about how the injuries where incurred whilst taking over a large island nation.

I walked around to the other place - was dismayed to learn it was even crappier - and went to the shower to cry. I began to read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love, wondering if I could skip straight to the "pray" part. But after a wander up the Upper West Side of Broadway, with snow lightly falling, I began to feel some enthusiasm.

The next day I was rescued by my allies Tamsin and Tom, who saved me from the Upper West side hovel and moved me to their Lower East side palace. Tom and Tamsin, I will name a country after you. You can even pick which one.

I also finally met the delightful Jason Zimmerman, or Jay, or where-have-you-been-all-my-life. Between these three extraordinary people and their extraordinary friends I managed to take in some amazing food and restaurants, and sights such as Central Park, the Guggenheim, the outside of the Met (it closes on Mondays - who knew?), part of the Natural History Museum (so I walked into the entrance, saw the giant brontosaurus and walked out. Sue me. I saved myself US$10, or NZ$ five grand), the view from the Top of the Rockefeller (where Jay and I posed as a newlywed couple to get someone to take our picture - I think I enjoyed the facade a little more than Jay did. I almost swooned and fell off the top. This is evident in the picture above), Times Square, Sea Port, Ground Zero, St Marks, St Patrick's Cathedral, Century 21 (a life-changing discount designer department store - Karen, I am forever in your debt), my very first Superbowl party (thanks to those who patiently answered my provocative questions about this American sporting custom, including, "are they comfy in those dreadful dreadful uniforms?"), and this totally kick ass bar that used to be a speak easy during prohibition, called the Back Room. It is in this totally random out of the way alley (I was more than a little concerned that Tom and John were trying to murder me) where drinks are served in tea cups. I wanted to get a picture of me drinking out of the tea cup, but something stopped me. Perhaps the lack of brain activity due to what was in the tea cup, or perhaps not wanting to look like a total loser in front of my cool friends from New York.

As I said to some allies in New Zealand, Walt Disney is on crack. New York is the happiest place on Earth.

I have officially conquered the entertainment and cool capitals of the United States. I almost have the I Heart NY hoodie to prove it (it wasn't the loser-factor that stopped me - it was the lack of space in my suitcase). Next stop is Canada. Cougars and moose for all if I succeed.

Best wishes to all my new, existing, and future friends (read: subjects).

Stephanie xox

* Hot guy Jason what's-his-face from Lock Stock (he was even outside it - I swooned suitably)

Frank Sinatra

Lucile Ball

Julia Roberts

Angelina Jolie

Will Smith

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Jennifer Aniston (who, just like the trusty gossip mags say, lives very near...)

Courtney Cox and David Arquette

Matthew Perry

Elvis (obviously not Graceland - that would have been a long trip)

Ringo Starr

George Harrison

Aaron Spelling (biggest house on the West Coast)

The Playboy Mansion

Drew Barrymore

Lindsay Lohan

and many more I can't remember.