Greetings Team,
Stage one of the Stephanie Taylor World Domination Attempt began with the US of A. Upon pondering the many cliches associated with the States, I realised all were true.
For example - the land of the free. It's true, many of the people on the streets should be locked up. Case in point, creepy old dude who chased me down Sunset Boulevard. I had a split second to decide if I should run into the Church of Scientology on a Sunday, or Subway. The rest of this story is fairly redundant.
The land of oppurtunity - Fendi glasses for US$75? Heck yes.
And so on.
The mission began with LA, and therefore LAX. With puffy eyes from the trauma of leaving ground control in New Zealand, I got into the chosen carrier to take me to my, erm, hotel. Cough. Driver was a little crazy, going around LAX twice before getting onto the freeway, but I made it to the "smoke free" (read: smoke filled), "central" (read: ghetto), "all amenities" (read: room service, bar, restaurant, bell boy, phone, and spa no longer in service) hotel. At this point, a massive shout out to Tisha and Kim, who came to collect me to meet up, when they realised I was in an unsavoury part of town that really required not walking outside more than a couple of metres.
I posed as a tourist, looking at things of course I myself wouldn't be interested in, including the public toilet where George Michael got arrested, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, and even Elvis' houses (for complete list see * below, but to quickly entice you, Snoop Dogg and Sean Connery are neighbours - it truly is a wonderful melting pot this country), and the Kodak Theatre where the Oscars are held. I have to mention here that this included my favourite part of LA, where the character actors decided it was time for a break and Batman started rocking out with Gene Simmons, discussing I can only imagine what - struggling to kiss girls and not touch their gag reflex, Robin constantly leaving the Batmobile out of petrol, and so on (photo caption: Batman: "So Gene, wanna come over to the Cave tonight and watch Girls Gone Wild?" Gene: "Sure, but don't invite Charlie Chaplin this time. He's boring." Charlie: "I heard that." Batman: "Bro, shut it. You're meant to be mute.").
On this part of the mission I met my new friend Richard, the helpful and friendly tour guide. Richard, my new LA BFF, also took me under his wing with regards to my thwarted attempts to gain an adaptor that would enable me to use all of my NZ plugged appliances in this alien electronic landscape. I had previously attempted this solo, and was told I would need to buy five plugs totalling US$200. With Richard at my side, I was sold one plug for ten bucker. Chur Richard.
I also encountered obstacles in terms of sustainance. Gluten free food is non-existent in the LA ghetto where I was staying, and all other food was coated in fat - twice. One "hilarious" breakfast in the "hotel" saw me eating pancake-consistency perfectly spherical eggs. I didn't attempt the sausage which I had described at one point as deep fried, crumbed, deep fried, dropped, deep fried, battered, deep fried, licked by rabid antelope, and deep fried again. With light shed upon the food situation, I'm hoping you will all understand when I tell you that I spent more than one night eating popcorn for dinner.
I was also forced to overcome the weather. Apparently LA gets 30 days of rain a year. I used up three of those while I was there, during which time I got well acquainted with my good friend Sir Richard Branson (via his autobiography, Losing my Viriginity. Stephanie's Book Club Reccommended Read).
Other LA highlights included shopping at the Grove, visiting the Hollywood sign, going to Universal Studios to indulge my childish love of theme parks with a sweet line-jumping pass (thanks Zenon!), seeing Justin Timberlake's house and fondly remembering his tearful phone call to his mum when all his stuff got repo'ed on Punked (later claiming he was stoned - cry me a river JT), finally meeting the ridiculously beautiful and lovely Kim Weiss, convincing (I hope) the AMAZING Tisha Gonda to come to NZ on a holiday (and having a wonderful dinner with her downtown - thanks so much Tisha!), and being told by the blind man wanting my quarters that I was beautiful.
Stage two in this operation was a trip to New York, my new favourite place. I was actually scared to email people and tell them how much I loved it lest the police track me down in a preemptive strike against possible overstayers. However, my love affair with New York did not get off to a good start...
I was picked up by the most hostile driver ever, and while his toughness was great in its Brooklyn authenicity to start with, he began to frighten me. Especially when he tried to put an extra person in a van where guests were already sharing seatbelts. His driving alarmed me and other users of the road. In short, the domination attempt was almost over before it began, and I haven't even got myself into a position where someone might build a statue of me in either a position weilding a pimpin' backhand, or crouching with orphans in a meadow (I'm yet to decide on my leader persona).
I then got to the hovel in which I was staying, and was told due to a booking mistake I would be moving somewhere else, temporarily filling me with hope. I immediately walked outside, slipped on some ice, broke the handle on my suitcase and covered my right leg in bruises. Being winter, I couldn't even rock shorts to show everyone how tough I am and make up a story about how the injuries where incurred whilst taking over a large island nation.
I walked around to the other place - was dismayed to learn it was even crappier - and went to the shower to cry. I began to read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love, wondering if I could skip straight to the "pray" part. But after a wander up the Upper West Side of Broadway, with snow lightly falling, I began to feel some enthusiasm.
The next day I was rescued by my allies Tamsin and Tom, who saved me from the Upper West side hovel and moved me to their Lower East side palace. Tom and Tamsin, I will name a country after you. You can even pick which one.
I also finally met the delightful Jason Zimmerman, or Jay, or where-have-you-been-all-my-life. Between these three extraordinary people and their extraordinary friends I managed to take in some amazing food and restaurants, and sights such as Central Park, the Guggenheim, the outside of the Met (it closes on Mondays - who knew?), part of the Natural History Museum (so I walked into the entrance, saw the giant brontosaurus and walked out. Sue me. I saved myself US$10, or NZ$ five grand), the view from the Top of the Rockefeller (where Jay and I posed as a newlywed couple to get someone to take our picture - I think I enjoyed the facade a little more than Jay did. I almost swooned and fell off the top. This is evident in the picture above), Times Square, Sea Port, Ground Zero, St Marks, St Patrick's Cathedral, Century 21 (a life-changing discount designer department store - Karen, I am forever in your debt), my very first Superbowl party (thanks to those who patiently answered my provocative questions about this American sporting custom, including, "are they comfy in those dreadful dreadful uniforms?"), and this totally kick ass bar that used to be a speak easy during prohibition, called the Back Room. It is in this totally random out of the way alley (I was more than a little concerned that Tom and John were trying to murder me) where drinks are served in tea cups. I wanted to get a picture of me drinking out of the tea cup, but something stopped me. Perhaps the lack of brain activity due to what was in the tea cup, or perhaps not wanting to look like a total loser in front of my cool friends from New York.
As I said to some allies in New Zealand, Walt Disney is on crack. New York is the happiest place on Earth.
I have officially conquered the entertainment and cool capitals of the United States. I almost have the I Heart NY hoodie to prove it (it wasn't the loser-factor that stopped me - it was the lack of space in my suitcase). Next stop is Canada. Cougars and moose for all if I succeed.
Best wishes to all my new, existing, and future friends (read: subjects).
Stephanie xox
* Hot guy Jason what's-his-face from Lock Stock (he was even outside it - I swooned suitably)
Frank Sinatra
Lucile Ball
Julia Roberts
Angelina Jolie
Will Smith
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Jennifer Aniston (who, just like the trusty gossip mags say, lives very near...)
Courtney Cox and David Arquette
Matthew Perry
Elvis (obviously not Graceland - that would have been a long trip)
Ringo Starr
George Harrison
Aaron Spelling (biggest house on the West Coast)
The Playboy Mansion
Drew Barrymore
Lindsay Lohan
and many more I can't remember.
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