Stage Two - Canada

Greetings Subjects,

I arrived in Canada (eh) and thought the key to overcoming this strange barren landscape would be to immediately get the local law enforcement onside. I began the mission to find a member of this elite group, and was delighted to discover one in the local watering hole. Needless to say, I set out to seduce him. Later, upon relfection of my photographic evidence of this momentous victory, I was dismayed to learn that not only are moose not really the local law authorities, as I had been lead to believe by Canadian animation, but that this particular was inanimate. My first attempt at domination in Canada was foiled.

Yet I was resolved to continue my attempt, and began with a journey into the Rockies to get a better vantage point with which to survey the lay of the land. Sunshine Village is a great skiing mountain, with something like 107 runs, not including the ones we went on that included climbing under a rope that said "Danger, cliff" (thanks Dave). Whilst trying to navigate waist deep powder, trees, rocks and cliff faces, I once again was forced to consider how my people will remember me once I have passed over. When we emerged from the Death Forrest intact (this is what I have renamed it. It probably has a perfectly lovely existing name, like the Flower Meadow or something, but this is my world domination attempt and I can name it whatever the f*ck I want considering it did try to kill me), I had a newfound sense of respect for my life. I vowed to value my health more and look after myself better. So I went back to Natalie and Dave's house and drank red wine, followed by Bacardi.

I also discovered a new talent which I will use to overcome and 'wow' potential opposition. Turns out I am AWESOME at Wii Fit! For those of you born before 1998, it's this sweet interactive game where you stand on a board that registers your balance, weight, centre of gravity and cool factor and play awesome games like hula hoop, soccer heading, ski slalom etc. First go I set high scores on all of these things. If nothing else, I have left my legacy in Banff in the form of high scores in Wii Fit. It was a journey well utilised.

The following day, seeing me still alive and well after the snowboarding assassination attempt, Natalie (Dave's ladywife and one of my oldest bestest allies) took me on a walk up to Johnston's Canyon, claiming we would get ice cleats when we got out there. The ice cleat hiring shop was closed, so Natalie, Nicola and I decided to brave the journey anyway. What started out as a pleasant walk along a path with a handrail, and even wire along the ground for grip, soon became a slippery ice walk of death, fiercely clinging to trees and rocks and praying not to fall off the side into the icy ravine. Passers by with tramping boots and ice cleats looked at my feet, clad only in Chucks, with horror; an expression that quickly turned to one of disgust, then pity, then hope, then vacant wonderment as they considered what they would wear when interviewed by the news as the last person who saw us alive. If it wasn't terrifying it would have been amusing.

Under the watchful protection of squirrels, and I assume God since only he knows how we made it up, we got to the waterfall, took a few "check it out, a waterfall AND we're alive!" photos, and began the slippery decent down. After making it out with only one massive bruise from my knee to my shin (which didn't come out properly until five days later - looks pretty sweet now though) we journeyed to Lake Louise to take in a slightly less strenuous pastime - looking at ice sculptures. After the stress of the snowboarding and Canyon assassination attempts, I believed that the giant T-Rex sculpture was going to come to life and eat me, but luckily these fears were unfounded. However, I did decide on the sleepy car ride home that Johnston's Canyon and all of its dangers also needed to be renamed - hence, Death Forrest is now just a short drive and a gondola ride from Death Canyon.

I should mention something here about the friendly Banff natives. Aside from Dave and my beloved Natalie, who along with their flatmate Greg gave me the world's comfiest couch, fed me proper food like what a parent would cook, and encouraged my budding Wii Fit career, I also got to spend time with Kurt and Tess, who are just as gorgeous and fun as always, and got to meet a bunch of new people, like Nicola, Kath, their menfolk, and a bunch of their extended group of friends. I even got to research Greece with some beautiful food, belly dancing and plate smashing (followed by Karaoke - researching Japan too) for Kath's birthday. Everyone really is lovely in Banff (apart from the saleswoman who saw me looking at some Banff shorts and came over, virtually pulled them from my hands, looked at my hips and went "these won't fit you." She has got a great job lined up for herself cleaning the royal shark once the domination plan is complete). It must be the beautiful scenery and fun/ death-defying pastimes that keep them upbeat.

When sadly leaving the country (note here for followers of my journey - Calgary airport is ruthlessly efficient. Big ups) one final attempt was made upon my safety when a security official decided my baby pink carry on luggage with flowery luggage tags looked suspicious, even after it went through the x-ray machine. The guy made me unpack my carry on, which I silently told him with my fuming gaze was a carefully constructed tetris-like formation to close the damn thing, so thanks for rummaging through it, and when found nothing, took out his frustration by telling me he thought my plane was going to be five hours late so have a fun wait. Turned out he was wrong, but still, what is it with me and airport security? Am I so unsuspicious looking that it makes me suspicious by default? This stuff seriously happens to me all the time, like the Brisbane debacle. I ponder why, and plan nasty punishments for these people for when I am their ruler.

So despite his best efforts, my Canadian domination is complete! I didn't get to see too many animals, but made up for that by taking a picture of myself in front of every "Beware of the Cougars" sign I could find (hahahaha, it's still funny). Next stop is London. Someone tell Gordon Brown to get the gin ready so we can sort out this business with the economy once and for all.

Until next time, keep working on that "All hail Stephanie" song I gave you - you'll need it soon.

Take care,

Me xx