Stage Six - Berlin

Greetings followers,

I have some sad news to report on the world domination front - someone got to Berlin and conquered it ahead of me. I normally quite fancy my chances in overthrowing local power authorities, but on this occasion, I’m not sure even I am up the challenge. This opponent is strong, muscular, and can apparently save any victim from drowning, especially if she has a large bust measurement. Of course, I am talking about David Hasslehoff.

The Hoff’s appeal in Germany is mainly due less to his red Baywatch shorts and more to his magical singing pipes, however, the pop sensation also has a historical place in the heart of Berliners, in that he claims it was he who brought down the Berlin wall. He sang a song regarding freedom, and a short time later, the wall came down. While some political and historical enthusiasts fail to see the link, Hasslehoff is completely sure of his part in the momentous occasion, and has been heard to explain so on many different outings.

There are other barriers threatening to overcome my attempts on this part of the world, including strange cultural observations. For example, every time you see a sweet, adorable, perfectly groomed miniature dog, you look up and are more than likely to see it attached to some sort of elderly vagabond; unkempt, more than a little bit drunk, and with a large stomach protruding from an old and much-too-small shirt. I am completely unaccustomed to this anomaly, and fear that if I can’t understand the people, what hope do I have of leading them to greatness?

On top of that, I have recently had several encounters that have led me to believe I may be too much of a prude for this town. Allow me to explain:
Venue: Volkspark, Fredrichshain, Berlin
Time: Approximately 2pm
Scene: The first fine weekend day in weeks, many people are out enjoying the sunshine in a local Berlin park. Families take picnics, children ride bicycles, fathers help sons with little remote controlled boats in the lake. A young tourist from New Zealand strolls through with her new English friend, taking in the pleasantries and soaking up the vitamin D.
"Stephanie?" asks the English girl.
"Yes Tali?" replies the girl from New Zealand.
"Is that man naked or wearing a very tiny wee red g-string?"
"Tali, I believe he is wearing a tiny wee red g-string. However, the elderly gentleman to the right appears to be wearing nothing at all, and judging by the way he is so attentively applying sunscreen to his genital area, I suspect he may be concerned about the effects of harmful UV rays."
"Stephanie?"
"Yes Tali?"
"Shall we find another, more clad area of the park to retreat to?"
"Tali, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."
A short stroll ensues, and the travelers are pleased to come across a somewhat more isolated area of the park. A few people sit on blankets, fully clothed, and read books. The two girls set down a blanket and begin to chat. A short while later, they notice something moving in the bushes.
"Stephanie, did you see that just now?"
"Yes Tali, I believe I did."
"What was it?"
"It seemed too large to be an animal didn't it?"
"Yes, it did. However, my attention has now been caught by the man behind us, who was once fully clothed, but now appears to be less so."
"I agree, I definitely think his genitalia wasn't in such plain view at the time that we sat down. Tali, do you suddenly realise that we are the only females sitting here, and all of the other park-goers in this area seem to be looking at us strangely?"
"Yes Stephanie, I have noticed that. What's more, I believe we may be in the area of the park where men come to solicite one another in the bush, during broad daylight, on a Saturday afternoon."
"My goodness Tali. What frivolity."

There are actually a few other instances that I wrote but have decided to edit out, upon learning that I actually really liked the people involved in them, so I’m going to leave you with just the one example. No use being modest about it; the edited pieces were actually literary and comic genius, so if you want to read them, email me. And yep, it’s hard looking those other people in the face after you have seen and heard what I have, but you just move on through it and block it out with sudden gasps of “Argh! No!“ accompanied by smushing your hands into your eyes with great force. And so, despite my inability to be all “when in Rome” about it and get naked in public, some areas of this domination attempt are going far more swimmingly. For starters, I have a home. Hurrah! In a great area of town, right near the fantastic Aussie bar that has the only Super 14 and NRL action in town. The bar is bliss, and has become my new home.

Finding the home also lead to finding a friend - hurrah! Tali, the aforementioned companion on my fateful visit to the park, is some sort of “Welcome to Berlin” fairy of happiness. Not only did she give me a home (she was moving out, so I took her room), she has also given me some company, advice, plenty of good laughs, and, tah-dah - a job!

That might not sound like a huge deal to all of you smugly employed people, but jobs here in Berlin are pretty hard to come by. Germany is apparently one of the hardest hit by the economic crisis, receiving much of its income from now struggling industries like car and appliance manufacturing, and within Germany, Berlin is the hardest place to get a job. Upon arrival, several people actually told me to give up and go somewhere else (ouch. Maybe they saw through my polite enquiries and directly into my ruthless pursuit of their hard-earned tax money upon domination completion). I heard many stories of people who took more than a year to find work, highly trained professionals now working for 800 Euros a month in unskilled jobs, and for anyone not perfectly fluent in German and English, imminent returns to their home countries. So, with thanks to an excellent lead from Tali, I am now an English teacher! Hurrah! Very few hours per week, but hopefully they will become more, and in this cheap-rent paradise, I hopefully won’t need to rape and pillage my bank account too much to fund my life of traveling and book writing. Everyone needs a Tali. Honestly. We have also made an ambitious plan to run a marathon in September! She has done one before (she’s so amazing. I love Tali. I‘m going to name my book after her), but I have only done a half marathon. So if you never hear anything about the marathon again, it’s because I totally gave up, and it would really be much politer if you never mentioned it again. Thank you.

Finally, a quick note about some of the wonderful people I have met so far in Berlin. There is the small issue that most of the people I meet are tourists and disappear again a few days later, but they are all still awesome anyway. Firstly, Tali (wow. I love Tali. Did you know I love Tali?), secondly the AMAZING Mark Kirkman, originally from South Africa, who was my total BFF for two whole days of wandering and sport-watching heaven, and who is currently being sucked in by my carefully orchestrated PR plan to get him to move to New Zealand (mwah ha ha). Then Summer from the States, Lucie from Scotland and Jenny from England. Hannah and Jade from Melbourne, were super fun and the three of us managed to gate-crash a stag party of Scotsmen, who were also great fun. I have come to the conclusion that Australians and Scots are the most fun people on the entire planet, and as a result, I will be giving them some sort of party-planning post upon completion of my domination attempt. Then there were Claire from Australia, Ildefonso from Mexico who is currently serving in Iraq (I’m planning on writing Obama a personal letter to get him out - I’m quietly confident I’ll be successful), and the beautiful and super sweet Germans Frauke and Andrea. Also, Eric from the States, Gary from Ireland (who actually lives here and also hangs out at the Aussie bar that I love, so I might be trying to win him in the stakes of permanent friendship with one of my legendary PowerPoint presentations. Stay tuned), David from Hamburg, James from Oxford, Jojo from Germany (or Mr Tali, lucky bastard) and my favourite new band Myriad Creatures. Check them out online - you will love them if you have anything close to resembling a soul.

And with that, much love to the team back home. Many thanks to all of you who picked up that at times I was DESPERATELY lonely and sent loving messages of correspondence, or even defied the current economic climate and spent the NZ$45 million to ring me. I really appreciate it. In other news, I am finally writing the book, and even have the first five chapters at a stage I am happy with. Hurrah! Heading to Turkey next Thursday (I don’t care what all those people said - John Key said it was cool to go and John Key is my hero/ object of the posters that adorn the walls of my bedroom, so I’m going) so will write something else after that.

Take care, and see you all the ticker-tape parade upon my triumphant return,
Stephanie xo